I believe that most of us act with the best intentions when we are driven by passion. How can we not? Passion bursts from our hearts, an intoxicating mixture of love and drive that compels us to push forward through disappointments and difficulties. It burns in our souls, and those flames ignite sparks that catch and the passion grows. This passion draws us in to its warmth and glow with a hypnotic effect, but like any fire it can quickly become out of control, and if we are not careful we can get burned.
I have been burned. Or perhaps more accurately stated I have burnt out. The funny thing about burn out is that you don’t even completely realize it is happening before it is too late. Like a moth that flies too close to the dazzling light, it does not realize its unfortunate end until it is too late. Luckily I am not a moth, and while I may be suffering physically from my burns, I have the opportunity to tend to my wounds and learn how to control the fire that burns within me.
The past year I have been consumed with my passion for dance as a lifestyle I want to share with the world. It has been a year full of so many goals and dreams being met. I have had more opportunities then I could have ever dreamed of when I started to envision J’Adore Dance 4 years ago. I have seen the beauty that dance and movement can bring to people young and old when they are simply given a space that is safe and loving. I have seen my sparks ignite in others and watch it stoke their own passion back into existence. It has been an honor and pleasure I could not have foreseen in such a short period of time.
But this past year I am guilty of becoming the moth, so enthralled by the beauty of the light, that I have become unaware of my other needs. The fire began to burn out of control and I became dizzy and lost my balance. While I encouraged others to take time to create a life that had balance of the mind, body, and spirit, I fell further and further into the flames. I worked from the moment I woke up to the moment I finally drifted to sleep. I pushed my body to the limit teaching 15-20 hours of intense physical activity a week, even when I grew weary, my muscles hurt, and my hair began to fall out. Even when I started having dizzy spells, nausea, and kept getting every little cold, flu, or virus going around, I convinced myself that being successful in business meant pushing through, never giving up, and above all else never letting my clients down. Even though I was hurting on the inside I would smile on the outside.
This past month my body could take no more. Between constant illness, muscle fatigue, anxiety, and periods of blacking out I finally realized I could no longer keep the fire at bay no matter how hard I tried. The doctors advised me to stop work immediately to allow my body and soul a chance to heal. Extreme exhaustion was their diagnosis. The doctors said when my mind would just not say no, my body finally did, and my body won.
A great business colleague and even greater friend said to me “What would you tell a client in the same situation? Give yourself that same grace!” And I realized she was right! How could I continue to preach the importance of balance and wellbeing and self-love to others if I did not honor myself with these same gifts. How could I even continue to give to people if I had nothing left to give myself?
So despite the great fear and anxiety I have felt (and admittedly feel), I made the very difficult decision to stop work. Just stop. Yes it meant getting new instructors to cover classes, yes it meant having to cancel some classes, and yes it meant trusting others to keep my passion fire burning while I take some time to rest. What I have started to see is that so many do understand, and for those who have been with me for a while, this was no great shock to them. Many have expressed being relieved that I am finally taking the time I need for my own wellness. They are affording me the same grace I have been trying to give others. For this I am so grateful.
The other thing I am learning is that sometimes being burned can actually help us see things differently. I have realized some ways I can actually help this business become stronger by building up the people around me to help carry that flame forward. I can see how there can be time for myself while continuing to support the vision of J’Adore Dance in a healthy, balanced approach that will keep the flame burning for a much longer time. I am happy to know that there does not need to self-sacrifice to stoke the flames.
So I begin a new journey to finding balance. I realize this will not happen over night. I have to retrain myself new habits and really count on the people around me to keep me accountable. The beginning of this journey starts with me not teaching any more classes this spring and just taking the next month to relax and rest. For summer I will return to a small teaching load and focus on learning to balance work and personal life. This modified teaching schedule will continue into fall when I will also start focusing on really mentoring and developing our fabulous instructors who are more then willing to share the load. While I may not be physically in as many dance classes or in the studio as often, I will continue to work on the vision I imagined 4 years ago, but with a healthy balanced approach. I know this means the classes I am teaching will get the best instructor possible, my staff will have a strong and reliable leader, and I will most importantly be a whole person once more.
I thank everyone who has expressed concern and support! It has made this difficult time much easier. I will continue to share my journey to balance with you, as I believe strongly I am not the only person struggling to find balance and peace. I hope this next year will be about meeting goals and dreams that will lead to a healthful, happy future. I hope you will continue to join me.
Sincerely,
Jessica